Recently, the brilliant writer and artist Bill Morrison said on his Facebook page, “I’m starting a list of bands that apparently decided on their band name while high.”
Little did Bill know that he inspired me to do some research. I found dozens of websites that listed bad band names, and I compiled the names thereon.
Below are the stinkers that appeared on them most often — that is, the names that nearly everyone seems to hate. Beware: A few distasteful words appear among them.
Toad the Wet Sprocket
Hootie & the Blowfish
Panic! At The Disco
Dogs Die in Hot Cars
Before you start tossing your own lists at me, understand that I know that everyone can come up with such a list, so I really don’t need more. I also know that every band’s name has its defenders.
This is not, by the way, a list of bad bands. A great band can have a lousy name. One name that appeared on a lot of lists belongs to possibly the best band of the past half century: The Beatles. It’s a take-off (or rip-off, if you prefer) of Buddy Holly’s band The Crickets, plus a cheap pun. (“Hey, lads, let’s change ‘Beetles’ to ‘Beatles’ — you know, like ‘beat’! ‘Cause we’re musicians, right?”)
In compiling my list, I found thousands of names — and I noticed that certain words recurred almost constantly. So to help you build your own band name, if you’re into that sort of thing, here are the words that show up most often in bad band names. Again, I warn you: there’s some rough language ahead.
Fuck Anal Shit Head Death Dead Goat
Penis Cunt Big Black Butt Man Love
Band Hot Die Cock Meat Pussy Sex Fish
Imagine the possibilities in bad band names: Anal Fuck. Big Black Butt. The Cock Meat Pussy Band. Or, if you don’t like obscenity: Dead Death. Goat Fish. Die, Love, Die!
And that reminds me: Among the bad names were ones that made me laugh. More bad language ahead: Penis Flytrap, Cerebral Ballzy, Ben Wa and the Blue Balls, Buster Hymen & the Penetrators, Jon Cougar Concentration Camp, Lee Harvey Keitel, Porn on the Cob.
Finally, here are more bad band names that appeared on more than one list. Brace yourself.
!!! | 311 | 5ive
Abörted Hitler Cöck | Accidental Goat Sodomy | Albino Toilet Boys | An Emotional Fish | Anaal Nathrakh | Anal Blasphemy | Anal Blast | Anal Vomit | …And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead | Anderson, Bruford, Wakeman, and Howe | Angry Samoans | Archers Of Loaf | Armageddon Dildos | Asking Alexandria | Ass Baboons of Venus | Asspounder | Attack! Attack!
Bathtub Shitter | Big Balls and the Great White Idiot | Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children Macnuggits | Bongzilla | Bowling for Soup | Boyz II Men | Brady Bunch Lawnmower Massacre | Butt Trumpet
Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine | Cat Butt | Cats on Fire | Cheap Knob Gags | Cherry Poppin’ Daddies | Chumbawumba | Circle Jerks | Clap Your Hands Say Yeah | Clinging To The Trees of a Forest Fire | Cock and Ball Torture | Confrontation Camp | Congratulations on Your Decision to Become a Pilot | Corpsefucking Art | Cradle of Filth | Crazy Penis | Crispy Ambulance | Cute Is What We Aim For
Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr. | Dananananaykroyd | Dead Kennedys | Death Cab for Cutie | Death From Above 1979 | Def Leppard | Diarrhea Planet | Dishwalla
Edguy | Elvis Hitler | Enuff Z’Nuff | Evil Edna’s Horror Toilet
Fanny Bloom | FistFuck | Five Finger Death Punch | Flowers from the Man Who Shot Your Cousin | Forever the Sickest Kids | Fuck | Fuck Face | Fuck…I’m Dead
Gay Black Republican | Gay Dad | Gay for Johnny Depp | Gaye Bykers on Acid | Goblin Cock | Godspeed You! Black Emperor | Goo Goo Dolls | Gorky’s Zygotic Mynci
Half Man Half Biscuit | Hamfatter | Hellyeah | Here Are the Facts You Requested | Hitler SS | Hot Buttered Anal | Howling Willie Cunt
I Love You but I’ve Chosen Darkness | I Shit On Your Face | Imagine Dragons | Insane Clown Posse | iwrestledabearonce
Jimmy Eat World | Joe Lean And The Jing Jang Jong
Ken Dod’s Dad’s Dog’s Dead | Kiss the Anus of a Black Cat | Korn
Lake of Anal Mucus | Let’s Get Out of This Terrible Sandwich Shop | LMFAO | Lubricated Goat
Man…or Astro-Man? | Matchbox 20 | Midget Handjob | Motherfucker 666 | Mott the Hoople | Mr. Mister | Mushroomhead | My America Is Watching Tigers Die | My Morning Jacket
Natalie Portman’s Shaved Head | Nazi UFO Commander | Nazis From Mars | Ned’s Atomic Dustbin | Neurotic Arseholes | Neutral Milk Hotel | Nickelback | Nip Drivers | Nipple Erectors | No Use for a Name | Not Drowning, Waving | Nunfuckers
Oh No! Oh My | Oingo Boingo
Paracoccidioidomicosisproctitissarcomucosis | Pipes You See, Pipes You Don’t | Pissing Razors | Please Inform the Captain This Is a Hijack | Poi Dog Pondering | Poo | Poopfist | Porno For Pyros | Portugal. The Man | Prefab Sprout | Premature Ejaculation | Prick | Priest in Shit | Puddle of Mudd
Rainbow Butt Monkeys | Rapeman | Revolting Cocks
Satan’s Almighty Penis | Scary Kids Scaring Kids | Scraping Foetus Off the Wheel | Scrotum Grinder | Selfish Cunt | Sheep on Drugs | Skillet | Smegma | Strawberry Alarm Clock | Suburban Kids with Biblical Names | Sultans of Ping | Sweaty Nipples | Syphilitic Vaginas
Tampasm | Test Icicles | The 4-Skins | The Alan Parsons Project | The Band | The Birds Are Spies, They Report to the Trees | The Broken Penis Orchestra | The Child Molesters | The Crucifucks | The Cumshots | The Dandy Warhols | The Devil Wears Prada | The First Person to See an Elephant | The Gay | The Mr. T Experience | The Music | The Number Twelve Looks Like You | The Pigeon Detectives | The Plot to Blow Up the Eiffel Tower | The Presidents of the United States of America | The Smashing Pumpkins | The String Cheese Incident | The Surf Wankers | The Ting Tings | The Tony Danza Tap-dance Extravaganza | The Wankers | The World Is a Beautiful Place and I’m No Longer Afraid to Die | They Came From the Stars I Saw Them | Thirty Odd Foot of Grunts | Tiger! Shit! Tiger! Tiger! | Toilet Böys | Totally Enormous Extinct Dinosaurs | tUnE-yA-rDs | Twodeadsluts Onegoodfuck
U2 | Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start
Vampire Weekend | Virgin Snatch
We Butter the Bread With Butter | We Were Promised Jetpacks | When People Were Shorter and Lived Near the Water
Bad band names: You’re disgusting and I love you.